Weee...............

If Thou Looketh...

If you seek you shall find. I have sought for so long that I just never thought it possible. But somehow, I just feel as if just maybe it is there, just out of my reach. Sometimes I let the blood flow, just to release my pain, anger, whatever it is that I feel. I have been branded with what I feel is the only way to live. To love others with a passion that you are willing to lay your own life down for them. I know, it is easier said than done, but what else can I strive for? Should I only live for myself? Or should I be like Christ who, as the Bible says, gave his life for all of us? If I could I would heal the sick. I would do what I could for those who deserve life. And, even for those who don't desereve it, with the hopes that something good will come of it. I am not a street corner preacher telling all that they are going to hell. I am just a person trying to live my life as best I know how, firmly believing what I believe and not being blinded by a preacher who says that I must give everything to be saved. I am saved by His good grace, even though I have not lived a pure life. C'est la vive eh? Don't let regrets hold you back. You are fine the way you are and you are not going to hell. At least if you have a little faith.

That being said, I still have a cloud of depression hovering over me. It will always follow me, trying as hard as it can to rain down feelings of worthlessness. Sometimes it overcomes me and I can't outrun it. But other times I can. I will just have to keep living my life and hope that I can keep up with it.

--Loneliness, I feel loneliness in my room.

It was fun while it lasted...

It will never truly end. Elephant Juice never goes bad; it doesn't turn sour. It will linger forever; always in my <3. Don't you see? It's not that I didn't want to, is was just that I couldn't. I have lost all my rights, I don't have my phone, everything has been stolen from me. What words of comfort have been sent to me have been confiscated so that I can not see what those around me want me to see. I am lost. Can you hear me? Do you understand what I am saying? I don't understand, I don't know anymore. Life seems to not be the same. If you think you understand then you must let me know. I only understand pain and depression. There have been fleeting moments when that wasn't true but those moments must pass us by. Do not think for one moment that I hate. Do not presume that my absence infers that I must move on with my life. I don't know WTF to do with my head. It is all jumbled up inside. Someday I will tell you everything you all need to know. I Promises.

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Sleep

I wish I could but I just can't. I just need to get my cycle fixed.

I love my cats. They are relly cute; the way they clean eachother and sleep together. The way they come up to you and rub aginst you to let you know who you belong to. How they don't care about anything but themselves. It is just cute. Kinda like a girlfriend who thinks of herself as a princess.

Oh Lord I am tired. I think that I will sleep now. I have to wake up early as I have meetings and conference calls and the like. Plus I have to prepare for such said meetings. I guess that is just how life is. Hopefully AMD will be able to help us out to make our school a better place for our students.

One of These Mornings

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear off the face of the earth. You know. Just reinvent myself; become someone new. When I was a teenager I was really religious. I wanted more than anything to become a warrior for God. I wanted to fight forces of evil and keep those who were innocent safe from the harm that was to befall them. But that was just a fantasy that I know will never come true. I have not given up on that thought but life is not a supernatural movie. We are not extraordinary beings that can just control matter with pure will. We are not God. Or demigods for that matter. If I could be a warrior for God I would. I would give up all I know just to protect the innocent. I guess that is why movies like "The Boondock Saints" or "Man on Fire" appeal to me. One day, God will call me home, to fight evil, protect those of pure heart. One day I will be gone, I will be God's warrior. It won't be long now, just the blink of an eye.

Hey Love, I love you. I love Love. How strange is that?

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
And I'll be gone
Moby - One of These Mornings

Ametherical Logic

I guess I am still here. I didn't have the chance to leave anywhere. That is ok. I like Arooj Aftab. I had the fortune of hearing an interview with her on "The World". Her voice was fucking awesome. And she is from Pakistan. You know, where they are all supposed to be *terrorists*?!?! Ok, that was very much sarcastic. I think that if you were to hear her music then hopefully you will have a very different picture of the life of a Pakistani. I have never been there but after hearing Arooj sing I can only reaffirm what I have always thought. That there is beauty all over the world and that there are people in *third world* countries who have the same beauty, if not more, that we here in the West claim to possess. So Arooj, if I had fifty thumbs I will put them all up for you. Hell, I give you eight fingers, two thumbs, and ten toes.

Check out her Blog at http://symphoniedevie.blogspot.com/

I love music. I like to play the bagpipes. I guess I am *OK*. I have a long way to go to be good but I have been doing it for around 10 years off and on so that has to count for something right? Ah well...


I guess that is just the way life is. You work hard to do something for a long time only to just be ok at it. Well, we all can't be prodigies right? *Goodnight!*

Good Bye

In case I don't see you all again... Good bye!

Sleep

Fuck. I am so tired. I took two sleeping pills last night but still had a horrible time sleeping. I think tonight I will take two of the new pills that I have just bought. And maybe one of the old ones. Perhaps that way I can finally sleep. I just want to sleep and feel rested. I want to dream. I love my dreams. They are so comforting. I read an article in Scientific American: Mind that people never remember their dreams. That is not true. I have many memories of dreams that I have had. Maybe I don't remember every detail of my dreams but I do remember a hell of a lot of them. If fact, sometimes when I close my eyes, I see images of dreams that I have had throughout my life. They are usually about the same theme. So if I am remembering about my home where my parents live then I see a lot of images of places that I have never lived in reality but in my dreams I lived there. It is just so reassuring that I can escape into my dreams to a place that is both familiar and new.

The night is closing upon us; drawing nearer with every tick of the clock. I have many who love me here in this world. I don't understand why sometimes but for whatever reason they do they must understand that if I were ever to depart from this world then life must go on. That is just the way it must be. It is the natural part of life. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself; I just want you all to know.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June

We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear meI just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

The Second coming

It is not anyone’s fault. I have just always had thoughts of suicide. My whole life I have fantasized about how I would die. Would it be a gun shot wound to the head? Perhaps a spectacular car accident. Maybe a building would collapse onto me or I would get hit by a car while walking down the street. Who the fuck knows. Those who know me hate me for feeling this way. And for those who do, I am sorry. Hey Love, don't hate me. It is not you. It is just my illness. I still love you all but I just feel sometimes that maybe I would no longer be tormented if I could just slumber for eternity; to sleep until the second coming of Christ. Until then...


Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help but no one's around

Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall
It seems like no one cares at all

Always an emotion, but how can I explain
How can I explain

Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain

Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head
Goes over my head

Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death
Am I living or am I dead

The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged

And when I think about all the times that I've had
So few good-So many bad

I search for personality and I look for things I can not see
Love and peace flash through my mind
Pain and hate are all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
Never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony
Thru my eyes that's all I see

If I'm gonna cry
Will you wipe away my tears?
If I'm gonna die
Lord please take away my fear
Before I drown in sorrow
Last thing that I'll say
How will I laugh tommorow
If I can't even smile today

Today today--when I can't even smile today
Today today--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tomorow--when I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tommorow--when I can't even smile today
Suicidal Tendencies - How will I Laugh Tomorow

The End

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest

The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you

C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end